Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Rambling on and on

I am fooling myself, I am fooling everyone around me. People always ask me "How do you do it all?" The truth is I don't. There, I said it, I am not super mom, I don't wear a cape with a giant SM (super mom) embroidered on the back of it. Hell, my christmas china hasn't even made it out of my china cabinet and at this rate my excuse is "I really enjoy keeping something from the holiday season up year round!" But the truth is more like I am too frazzled to even care. My life isn't perfect although from the outside looking in it might seem to be. I overbook myself and my family. I don't hold my end of the bargain up far too often. I yell too much. I cry too much. I get frustrated at the littlest things. I wish I had it all together and although I try, I fall short. Because so many know me through FB, they don't know the struggles I face, my demons. They see the bright, smiley mom who seems to be a close resemblence to Martha Stewart but that's not me. I want to have the perfect house, I want the perfectly dressed children who never have a hair out of place, I want to be perfect. That's my problem- I want perfection. I know it's unattainable but somehow it always seems just a task away. I always take on too much thinking that in that task I will obtain perfection, I don't. I become bitter and resentful that those around me don't try as hard as I do. I get angered by the fact that I don't get thanked for everything I do. I need change, I need to change. My thinking, my additude, my goals. Sometimes it just is all so overwhelming and I think it's about time to cut some things out of this crazy life, put a bigger emphasis on the things that matter. My faith, family and friends, these are the things that matter. The funny thing about everything is that at the end of the day after I have spent hours doing volunteer work at my daughter's school, running a girl scout meeting, picking things up so that the kids can do school projects, I get home to a daughter who feels that I haven't spent anytime with her. I feel as though that's all I do, I give my life to my kids but I am beginning to realize that they don't care if I volunteer countless hours putting together a school program, or if I am gone for hours helping with Girl Scout Cookies, that's not what they want from me. They want a mom who wants to snuggle with them, read with them. Not a mom who is so wiped out at the end of the day from all of the "Time spent with her kid's school" that she falls asleep on the couch. I am envious of those true SAHM's that have all the time in the world for snuggling, reading, bug catching and whatever else they fancy. That's the Mom I want to be, that's what I am going to be.

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